Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
