you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
