she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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