I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
porn star boner night. come get it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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