Betty ford says i'm here all night
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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