I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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