My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
