dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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