I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
