I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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