Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
