I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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