If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
