I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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