An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
