I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think my moral compass just broke
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