why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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