Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
