I think im going to throw up on grandma
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
