I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
