I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
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