I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
