Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
