Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
