my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
