so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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