i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
