I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
