I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
