my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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