Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Randomize
