____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
