please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
