i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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