everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
