i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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