Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
