If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
