I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
