got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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