I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
