I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
