i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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