Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
