I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
