you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
