He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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