drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
oh god was she eating orange peels again
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
