how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
