i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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