My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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