he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
