god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
