My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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