never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
