Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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