I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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