Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
