I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Blood and glitter go together right?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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