He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
its liver damage thursday
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
