Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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